THE CREW
Name: Gordon
In fear of losing our jobs here at allagesradio.com, we finally let the big guy speak again about himself. He is the boss and makes that known quite often around here. We find it odd when he asks us to listen to him talk about various topics for his bio, not because of what he says, but because he insists that he must wear his “thinking cap”. This sounds awesome and smart, but we must reveal what this thinking cap is. Gordon, in all of his glorious thickness seems to think a sweatband headband with a peacock feather sticking out the back side is his mandatory “thinking cap”. Again, he is the boss and we are the subordinate website. So as he sat on a flipped over paint bucket, he gave us these thoughts…
On eating disorders… “Now I realize that there are tons of people that have eating disorders that they cannot help. I am one but I don’t really care. I eat as a hobby, for friendship, to kill time, to make others jealous, to store energy for races, to hide the pain, to prove I can, and to tell myself ‘hey buddy boy, you really are a monster’.”
On winter… “Winter is awesome when it brings gift-giving and impromptu snowball fights and fort building. Winter is not awesome when my car doesn’t start at 4am, while my eyelids are freezing together, and I start to smell freezer burnt.”
On cereal bars… “If we are speaking of a large table filled with glorious choices of top grade cereals and toppings in which I get to choose from, then cereal bars get the go-ahead from me. But if we are talking a portable, graspable, rectangular mass of cereal miraculously held together by physics and magic, then I say no thank you. How hard is it to pour cereal into a bowl (mine happen to be from Pottery Barn), add milk, and eat with a spoon? Is the cereal too heavy for you? It’s f*cking cereal!”
On terrorists… “They win.”
On Ring-Pops… “Nothing is more embarrassing than looking at childhood photos or videos and seeing yourself proudly presenting your glistening, spit covered, treasure to the camera. I urge those who still support this phenomena into their teen and adult years, to please wash your hands, you are disgusting.”
On stretching… “We’ve all been told over and over by numerous unskilled P.E. teachers that you must stretch before doing any sort of physical activity. My question to you Mr. P.E. is what if stretching is too much of a physical activity that you don’t want to do the activity you had originally planned? Sounds like give-up city to me.”
On 8x10 glossies… “I wish I was the person who invented such an ordeal, the royalties have to be amazing in the glossy business, everyone has one. I know a guy who runs a drywall company, and he has an 8x10 glossy of him and his crew! Why does the world need such things? And why is one guy, no matter what the topic or profession, always looking away? Is there an unspoken glossy code?”
On street racing… “I happen to currently live in an area where money happens to buy a lot of Chinese symbol decals for your import, and exhaust pipes the diameter of a straw. With this comes a lot of retardedly fast cars with complete idiots behind the wheel. No I do not want to race you, yes you are an idiot, and just between the two of us, no one has any idea what ‘Three Crown Racing’ is or means. It could be a bumper car company for all I know or care.”
Name: Kevin
Kevin’s the type of guy that’s always dropping something of personal importance or monetary value down a sewer. Most people know someone like this. He’s the type of guy that accidentally farts out loud in church and turns beat red as hundreds of praying heads begin to snicker in his direction. He always runs into a family friend when renting porn, and a school friend when renting video games. Although his entire life is unfortunately embarrassing, we here at allagesradio.com must do as we’re told and supply the world with his information. In reality, it’s not his fault that he occasionally touches his friend’s mom’s boobs. And it’s not like he means to get bird poop in his mouth every time he tilts his head back. He’s just that type of guy. As painful as it may be, please read the following thoughts. They come from the ‘man’ we call Kevin.
We should also mention that as we transcribed the following words, we had to stare at this guy while wondering how he managed to get a booger on the tip of his nose…
On Car-Rattling-Bass People: “These guys are what I like to call ‘cooool.’ Even though I’m not 100% sure what song, or even what genre of music can supply bass that makes my teeth hurt, I have always looked up to these dudes. It seems to the rest of the world that actually being in this vehicle would be a nightmare, but somehow these guys seem to make it look like a nice dream. Somewhere deep inside the rattling of doors, these fellas find a beat that they can nod to. I applaud them. I have never been able to make that good of a first impression, and to me these guys are Gods.”
On The End Of The World: “A very reputable homeless woman told me that it’s coming in the year 2049. At first I was bummed. But now I’m ready.”
On Funny Stories: “In high school I worked at Jewel. One day my attention drifted away from the task at hand, toward a pair of young brothers (7 & 9). The boys seemed excited to have just purchased a $3 pack of baseball cards. After roughly 30 seconds of celebration the smaller boy nervously turned toward his brother and whispered, “I Just Pooped My Pants!” This will always be a funny story.”
On Kool-Aid: “I call it embarrassing juice. For years now, I have been waiting patiently for someone to drink this stuff and not get it on their shirt. Good Luck.”
On Tattoos: “Barbed wire, tribal designs, names, flags, wild animals, things that look cool in the book, catch phrases (these colors don’t run), cartoon characters, and beer companies. These are my favorites.”
On Message Board People: “As the expression goes, “everyone’s a critic.” You bastards take this to a previously unimagined level. You literally spend hours upon hours talking your unintelligent brand of shit while sitting behind your computer screen. There are plenty of punk rock bands that I don’t enjoy listening to, and some that I disagree with morally, but I don’t see why I need to announce it to the world. What happened to the state of mind that once separated this scene from the rest of music? Why can’t you let these bands do their thing? It’s different if you want to say that someone like Dave Matthews is greedy, but why does anyone care that you think the drummer of (random hardworking punk rock band) is a pussy? For those of you unfamiliar with my thoughts, please feel free to check out some of the punk rock news sites. These sites are incredibly informative, but for some reason, these brilliant teenage critics think the message boards are their place to trash every band that they don’t personally understand. I guess I can talk all I want, but these people will never listen, they will just call me ‘gay’ or something. Before I quit this rant I want you (the message board people) to know that sitting in your bedroom is a very easy way to attack someone. You have zero respect from anyone."